Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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