True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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