3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
