I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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