you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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