I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
