The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
When are your genitals available?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize