Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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