Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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