One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize