i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
