Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
