FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
