I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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