fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
