I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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