It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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