Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
