On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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