Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
