I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
