Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
