I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize