I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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