Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
