Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
