I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
