i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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