I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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