She is in my trunk
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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