I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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