but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
