She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
