I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
