Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
