I am full of burrito and curiosity
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
