did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
