if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
