He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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