For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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