I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
