I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
