So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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