his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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