god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
