Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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