I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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