I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
