I can tuck mytits in my pants
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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