my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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