We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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