That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
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