im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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