You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you didnt know i had herpes?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
