yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
