'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
