I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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